Our friend Emily recently got broken up with in the style of a toddler throwing himself to the floor and holding his breath until he passed out. Simply, a 25 year old man got angry at Emily for making him walk 5 blocks, stomped back to his car and drove back to Milwaukee. (the relationship's demise was inherent in the action) This was one of many bizarre attempts to gain Emily's favor, along with accusing her of cheating, lesbianism, and asking about her 5 year plan on the second date.

Her first contact with him since was the arrival of an e-mail a few days later, letting her know he wasn't mad, and wishing her the best of luck on a forthcoming job search.

Being Emily, she didn't know how to reply, so I sent her some ground rules for ex-boyfriend e-mail etiquette.

Here's the rules, if you choose to reply you must:

1) Make sure you're e-mail is shorter than his

2) Has a cordial and sensitive but detached tone.

3) Be kind, but careful of being overly generic or specific

4) Avoid mentioning how many men you've tongue-kissed since the relationship ended.

5) Possibly mention the lesbian rampage caused by the heartbreak of your relationship's demise. Remember to use the phrase "muff buddies" "erotic oil wrestling" and "multiple orgasms"

those are just some general rules to good break-up e-mail writing.

I know all of our readers (Pat) are in a emotional time in their (his) lives, going through big (lameass) changes having nothing to do with puberty and may need my assistance to remember how to act socially acceptable. So Pat, when the sentimental e-mails start where you lament how much you miss us, please remember, we're through now. You abandoned Dan and I and it will never be the same again. You can't get the magic back just because you have Lost Season 1 on DVD and a bag of Qdoba. Save your time for working on writing your Tegan and Sara Fan Fiction Novella. It's over.